It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
You Might Also Like
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song