Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I unironically love this joke.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct