Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
You Might Also Like
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Alexa: *deep breath*
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me :
All Day At Night
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Cats (2019)
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)