*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did