Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My plans: 2020:
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.