*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.