my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??