*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
They did not miss in the small print
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling