I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
relationship goals
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If snakes were wide
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon