Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree