Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”