If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!