[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why