WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”