[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
#NeverForget
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?