You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while