Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
#ProTip
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake