At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
You Might Also Like
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
☺️
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.