idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
New mindset, who dis?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.