Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.