While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.