*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Always
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave