Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
welp
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.