please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Brands during Pride
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”