[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.