Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“what that mouth do?” complain
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.