I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious