Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
You Might Also Like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.