Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Ah yes. The three genders
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.