What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!