*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
fired
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier