eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!