Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Perfect
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.