[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Thank you corporation very cool
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.