Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“That’s what” – She
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining