There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.