Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
You Might Also Like
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?