Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.