omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Terribly Tuesday.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun