Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
How to woo a woman
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?