Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Just a phase…
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die