[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler