[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Candles never taste the way they smell
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Eat…
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then