“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.