If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
every. time.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.