You Might Also Like
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top