In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Twitter fine art
I think we should hear other voices.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville