flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.