You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
it was a valiant fight
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
me doing my best
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!