“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
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My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Very good! 👍😂
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.